COVID REPEATS 15: MISSIVES FROM THE BENCH: “THAT ONE’S HALF BLIND AND HALF DEAF – I CALL HIM THE COURT OF APPEAL”
Today we are looking at a post about helpful, or otherwise, judicial observations. These came from Twitter in November 2018.
DJ Tynas at Macclesfield
I had a hearing in chambers. He was fond of keeping his dogs in there. As one was gumming at my coat he said:
“That one’s half blind and half deaf. I call him The Court of Appeal.”
My favourite ever judicial intervention – judge to witness: take it slowly, I want to take a thorough note in case I believe a word you’re telling me”
My favorite judicial comment. After 3 days of evidence in a property ownership case: “Gentlemen, I’ll adjourn now and we’ll have written submissions and I want you to assume that I’ve not believed a word that I’ve been told for the last three days”
A man appearing on a bench warrant one December was brought straight to Sheffield Crown Court wearing a Father Christmas costume after being arrested at a kids party. Coming into the dock apologising for his outfit, the judge replied ‘Don’t you worry, look what they made me wear’
How about “I cannot believe that an experienced motorcyclist would cross the dotted white lines in the middle of the road.”
“Not a comment, but the bemused, “Can anyone tell me what a Reef is?”, is one of my favourite judicial questions. In an assault case, but not until a bottle of Reef had been mentioned about 20 times.”
For those of you who don’t know what a Reef is. It’s a drink from the Golden Age of alcopops.
My pupil master called his star expert witness on day 4 of a 5 dayer. After an hours evidence, the judge theatrically took his pen out of his pencil case and made a note whilst saying out loud ‘ I don’t believe a word this man is saying. Do carry on with his evidence …’
Mine was a Judge asking if necessary to go through all texts. Pros C insisted as def witness to start reading messages from x date. Not sure he’d checked properly since it started with f & c, ended with him taking over and reading a few more msgs since jury audibly gasped.
Leslie Scarman at the Brixton Inquiry responding to Counsel’s apology for having made a cheap point. ‘I can’t imagine that any of your points are cheap’.
I had exactly the same from a client – Me: that’s a cheap lawyer’s point Client: Well, perhaps an expensive one’s
My favourite – Please can counsel explain what a McFlurry is?
Witness by name of James White incident in Snooker Hall, Judge interrupted “don’t suppose you’re as quick as the other Jimmy White are you?
Possibly apocryphal story from Ireland: A District Judge saw a defendant chewing gum in court, directed a court officer to “tell that man to stop masticating”. Court officer approaches the defendant and says “the judge says you have to take your hands out of your pocket”
Judgment recently (about someone I’d cross examined not my client thankfully!)’it’s hard to find seemingly neutral,judicial words to describe Mrs X. But suffice to say in my xx years as a judge I’ve never heard such a dishonest witness’. Costs too? Ta very much
My favourite was a judge who marched into court and told a LiP “Mr X, there are two ways I can deal with your appeal. I can sit here all day listening to it and then refuse it, or I can refuse it now. I intend to do the latter.” Then he marched out. Shortest hearing of my career.
My favourite comment from a judgment in a case we won earlier this year “nothing Mr T says can be believed unless it is supported by contemporaneous documents.”
The late Judge Bert Jalland in Manchester listening to mitigation for a client who had eschewed his usual headwear: Counsel: “Mr X was not on this occasion wearing a balaclava Your Honour”. Bert: ” So it was bare-faced robbery then?”
Counsel: “Your Honour, a thought crosses my mind….” Judge: “It must have been a very short journey.”
COUNSEL: “May it please Your Honour, I appear on behalf of the applicant.” JUDGE: “No you don’t
“May it please your honour…” “It doesn’t.” Not a good start….
And mine from the same judge: Counsel: … What did you say to Mr Smith next? Respectable witness: Your Honour, I used a rude expression I’m embarrassed to repeat. Judge Kennedy: I shouldn’t worry about that, it sounds like it was just the right moment to tell him to f*** o**.
DJ to Agent Prosecutor applying for costs upon behalf of the RSPCA : Where have these dogs been staying? The Dorchester?
Julia Larwood @julialarwood
‘I may be slow, but I’m not stupid’ – to my oppo ‘Pull the other one, it’s got bells on’ – to me ‘Stop there, Miss Larwood. What on earth do you mean by trolling?’ It was quite a morning.
Judge: “what’s a mankini?” (Later, between cases) “I know what a mankini is. I just wanted to see the look on his face as he explained it.”
Well you’ve made the witness cry, Miss Snooks. Was there a point to the question?
An employment judge interrupted my cross examination to aggressively ask the witness why he did it. We adjourned and settled
I heard about this one from the days of defended divorce. W gave evidence that H kept going down to London to see Bob Dylan. After a while J asked: ‘This Mr Dillon. Is he a friend of the family?’
Reminds me of the best judicial put down I’ve ever received (& I’ve had plenty). Mid-submission, “I don’t need to hear from you any further on that point, Mr Bagot…” (and after a theatrical pause in which I dared to dream the Judge agreed…), “…because you are wrong!” Ouch!
In a financial remedy final hearing: C: Please describe your weekend activities. W: Well, I often go up the villa. C: What? You have a villa! Why wasn’t that disclosed in your Form E? J: Ms X, I think he means Aston Villa.
The legendary Turbo Taylor at the end of an Appeal which featured pompous opposing counsel. “I shall hand down my judgment at 2:30 pm on Thursday” *turns to opponent* “but you’ve lost”
He did the Appeal of the chap who was convicted after dozing off at a football match “ it is the inalienable right of every football fan to fall asleep while watching Arsenal
“Before [lunch] I said I was minded to pass a nominal sentence and despite the efforts of your counsel I remain of that view” Melford Stevenson J to Myra Hindley in the “escape case” (lesbian warders had conspired to break her out) after 2 hr+ mitigation on a Friday afternoon 1/2
The story came from my pupil master Geoffrey Conlin, who was there. The mitigation had included a star turn from Lord Longford, whose flow, giving evidence, even Melford Stevenson had found impossible to interrupt “until, after an hour, Lord Longford finally paused for breath.
DJ at trial “why are we here? go out and settle this because I’ve read that statements and it’s not good for you” points at opponent
Ian Richardson @IRichardsonFInD
But still my favourite transcript. From Master Bowles to my counsel