How to support a grieving colleague (even if you’re working from home)
Six practical tips on being there for a colleague who’s been bereaved, whether you’re in the workplace with them, or working remotely.
A version of this article first appeared in Mad World .
Many of my co-workers had a look of fear in their eyes as I approached. I knew why – they wanted to help but weren’t sure how. Should I mention it? Should I not mention it? If I mention it, what the hell do I say?
When we’re working, we’re used to leaving our personal lives at the door, with questions often not straying beyond a casual “How was your weekend?”
So how do you make the transition from small talk to talking to someone about their bereavement ?
When you’re working from home, physically distanced from your colleagues, it can be much harder to find the right time to talk about this.
However, if this is the case, it’s even more important to check in with someone who’s been bereaved, as not being able to go to work may make them feel very isolated. And if they’re working from home, it could be harder for them to escape from feelings of grief.
We’ve got some tips for navigating these conversations, whether you’re seeing your colleagues in person, or just over video chat.
Don’t be afraid to say something
Even if you don’t know what to say to someone who is grieving , it’s important not to avoid that person. They’re likely to feel a bit awkward and isolated, returning to work. Maybe even more so if they’re working remotely.
No one would expect you to have all the answers, but you acknowledging what’s happened could help them feel supported.
People are so afraid of saying the wrong thing to the mourner, they err on the side of not acknowledging it in the least, and that is a greater problem.
Don’t worry about getting it wrong. There’s no right or wrong or set way to talk about these things, but if you’re unsure what you should do or say, you can go for a simple acknowledgement like "I’m sorry for your loss", in person, over the phone, or in an email.
You can also signpost them to the Marie Curie Support Line, which provides free bereavement support. As well as offering practical support and information, trained officers are there to offer emotional support and a listening ear. This can be especially helpful when people are worried about 'burdening' family, friends and colleagues with how they're feeling.
You don’t have to ask big questions
Checking in with someone who’s grieving doesn’t need to be a momentous event, and it’s likely that they won’t want to have an in-depth conversation about how they’re feeling.
A short "I’m thinking of you", or "how’s your day going?" can be ok. You can always give them the option to open up more or give you a call if they want to talk.
The best way to phrase it, for me, is ‘how are you feeling today?’ because ‘how are you?’ is such a big question, and overall you can feel quite rubbish, but sometimes today is better than yesterday.
Watch more from Ella and other people’s experiences with grief.
Talking about your own experiences can be helpful, but try to avoid saying you "know how they feel" as everyone deals with grief differently . Instead, you could point them towards activities or resources that helped you, and might help them too.
Find out how they’d prefer you to respond
Some people might not want to talk about their bereavement much at all, and instead find some escape from their feelings in work. Or they may just want it to be acknowledged, and then choose whether they want to bring it up again.
They might like the reassurance that they can take time out if they’re feeling emotional. If you’re going to be working together, you could ask them, or their line manager, what they’d prefer from you.
Little gestures can mean a lot
When someone returns to work after a bereavement, they might feel quite isolated from their colleagues. They could feel like they don’t want to bring people down, or that people will feel awkward working with them.
Sending them a care package – or getting together with your team to send something – could help then feel like people are thinking of them and are there to support them if they need it.
If you’re back in the office, you could ask if they want a tea or coffee. You could even leave one on their desk with a biscuit, which may seem like a very small action, but it might help them feel like you care about how they’re feeling, and that they’re being acknowledged rather than avoided.
Pick your moments with care
Offering condolences in the workplace can feel so awkward, both for you and the person whose been bereaved.
As it’s very personal, it’s best to speak to them about it one on one, instead of during bigger meetings or calls. You don’t necessarily have to talk to them about it, if the opportunity doesn’t arise. Sending them an email can still show them your thinking of them.
Ask them for lunch, or include them in other ways
If you’re planning get together with your colleagues, whether that’s checking in on a Friday afternoon, or a quiz on Zoom, then you can invite them so that they still feel included in the social side of work.
They may not feel like being in a social situation, but the offer might be appreciated nonetheless.
I think it’s really important, when your colleague has lost somebody, not to pretend that it hasn’t happened. I’d been off for some time and every single person gave me the biggest hug when I came in and that was just absolutely lovely.
Help with grief and bereavement at work
Find useful resources and guidance on supporting bereaved colleagues and staff at work, and getting the support you need from work if you're grieving.
